I have now come to the end of my breastfeeding journey. This time around with my second born has been so different than with my first. While I did exclusively pump instead of having him latched to my breast, he did get breast milk his whole first year. With my first I also tried exclusively pumping but, it didn’t work out. So, today I would like to talk about my time breastfeeding both of my babies, how I felt with each baby, and how it is now that I am done.
Starting at the beginning, when I had my first son I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t get help and so things went south before I could learn. I could never figure out how to get him to latch. I would try to pump for months but I didn’t have any schedule for it and never built up a supply that was going to go strong. I spent the first three months of his life beating myself up because I just couldn’t do it. I spent so much time after I quit so to my own mental health, hating myself because I couldn’t figure out how to do this for my child. I was happy that with formula I could still feed him and he could grow but, as moms so many of us are told that breast is best and so if we can’t give them breast we feel awful. Like we are doing an injustice to our babies. This battle in my head about how I felt about breastfeeding went on till my son was about a year and a half.
When he was a year and a half, my second son was born. Now, before he was born, I had gone back and forth between trying to breastfeed and being ok if it fails again and just doing formula right of the bat. I honestly don’t think I truly made a decision till I went to the hospital to give birth. While there they checked for me to see if I was able to get a free, really nice breast pump with my insurance. I was able to and I chose the Spectra breast pump. With my first I only had a hand pump and after using a non hand pump I would never go back.
The only time I was able to get my second to latch was in the hospital and only with a nurses help. It’s just something I could never get the hang of. While in the hospital and I was there three days after my caesarean we did little bits of breast milk but we mainly fed him formula. This did not bother me, I was trying to breastfeed but more importantly I wanted to make sure he was fed. I knew that it can take a few days for breast milk to really come in, so I was happy just giving him formula.
When we were finally home and my milk came in I started using my new pump. I was able to figure out the kind of schedule I needed to actually, successfully exclusively pump. I started with pumping every three hours and I easily built up my supply and unlike with my first son I was even able to make a stock in my freezer. While my life was crazy with a toddler and a newborn and my pump I was so proud of myself for being able to actually handle it. I would continue to pump every three hours till about ten months. I knew I wanted to be done with pumping by the time my son turned one. I was just done and ready for that journey to come to an end. So each week I would put more time in-between pumping sessions and lessen how long I would pump each breast. Till my supply got so low I could just quit cold turkey.
Now that I am completely done with breastfeeding finally I feel so proud of how well I was able to handle my life as not only a mom of two under two. But, also taking on a third child, my breast pump. I am so proud of how long I was able to give my baby breast milk. But, sometimes when I think of how well I did doing this for my second son, I feel guilty that I couldn’t make it happen for my first. I felt like I was less of a mom for my first than my second because I couldn’t figure it out and fight to make it work . And every time I would feel that guilt I would have to look at him now and remember, he is growing, he is smart, he is fed. Fed truly is best. I have one son that ate formula and another that ate breast milk and the biggest difference I can see in their journeys is the cost difference. They are both strong, healthy , happy boys and I know that what type of milk they ate as infants is not what they judge me on as being a good or bad mom.
The Life of a Stay at Home Mom and Wife 
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